My story with mental health and addiction
Growing up I knew I was different. I had more energy than most people. My head was constantly buzzing around with ideas, and I always seemed to have an answer for everything. Correct or not, that last trait got me in a lot of trouble with teachers. Anyways, growing up I had a good life. My parents did as much as possible for me, and I’ll be forever grateful for that. But I just want to add, it doesn’t matter how good of a life you have growing up. Certain choices you make can lead you to make decisions that can fuck your life up. No matter the support you’ve got around you. However, from a young age life was good. I was a happy kid until I joined secondary school….
The start of my excuse to fuck my life up
When I joined secondary school, I decided to take on the role of the class clown. I did things to make people laugh. Especially my friends. I was constantly getting in trouble doing stupid things. Maybe I did this to try and impress people as I was the youngest and one of the smallest. Who knows?
In year 9 at about the age of 14, I realized I no longer wanted to take on the role of the class clown. I wanted people to like me for me. This did not go down well with my group of ‘friends’. They began bullying me into doing stupid shit for their entertainment. I don’t want to go into the bullying as I’ve now put it behind me. But it did force me to lose all my confidence. And because of how I was being treated it turned me into a massive dick to everyone else around me.
Eventually, I felt isolated and felt I had no one to turn to. I was constantly worried about what everyone thought of me. I began to think everyone hated me and thought I was constantly being judged for my actions. My life was miserable, and I was even more miserable. As much as my parents tried to help, I kept pushing them away making my feeling of isolation even greater. I think this is where a lot of my anxiety started but it wouldn’t come back to haunt me until later.
I was doing anything to ‘fit in’ and started experimenting with drugs
After secondary school, I started college and began hanging around with some older people. Looking back at it, I was doing anything to fit in and be accepted by those around me. I could not face being bullied again. So once more I turned into a bit of a clown, trying to make those around me laugh. I was being a fake version of myself in the hope people would like and accept me. Deep down I knew this wasn’t making me happy.
In college, I’d already smoked a fair bit of weed but had never done anything else. This all changed when I started experimenting with MDMA and fucking hell, I loved it. Looking back what I actually loved was the escape from reality it offered. As I got a bit older, I started partying a lot more and started taking a lot more MDMA, as well as other substances. I became a wreck head and used the excuse of getting bullied in school to carry on getting wrecked and fuck my life up. Basically, I loved partying as it offered me an ‘escape’ from the fake life I had created. It felt fun for a time. As I got more involved in drugs, I pretty much stopped doing all the sports and activities I loved. This is where my mental health started to spiral out of control.
To understand more about substance abuse issues, check out this blog.
My mental health really started to impact my life
The drugs were only ‘fun’ for a short period of time. They began to have a real impact on my mental health. But I preferred escaping, rather than dealing with my problems head-on. Through this continued drug use, the anxiety I started developing in school all came flooding back. I was an anxious and paranoid wreck. I started to think my friends were out to get me and that they were only hanging around with me to see what an idiot I was. It became harder to be in social situations sober as I felt everyone was looking at me and watching what I did.
But, at the time I had no idea it was anxiety. I had no idea what was going on and it was very scary. There were all these horrible thoughts and emotions rushing around my head. Not knowing how to cope. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it as I thought I was the only one to feel like that. And if I did talk everyone would think I was fucking crazy. So, I did what I knew best. Carrying on getting fucked up as all my problems seemed to go away. Only they didn’t, they got worse, a lot worse!
I got addicted to benzodiazepines
As I continued down a slippery slope of partying and doing drugs, I found it increasingly hard to get to sleep. That was until I discovered a drug called Valium. I started taking Valium I bought from street dealers at the end of the night to help me sleep after sessions. They seemed to work a treat. I also discovered that they could be used to help treat anxiety. For a short period of time, they really seemed to help.
So, I started self-medicating with them whenever I was in situations where I couldn’t get wasted. I quickly became dependent on them and could not function without them. From the minute I woke up to the minute I was going to bed, I was popping Valium. The effects I was first gaining from them quickly wore off and I got introduced to a stronger benzodiazepine called Xanax. Again, it didn’t take long before I was hooked on those and fully dependent on them. Anytime I started to withdraw from them, I could not cope, so I ensured I always had a supply.
The funny thing about Benzo’s is that initially, they work great at ‘easing’ anxiety. But when you become addicted and dependent, they do the complete opposite. They made shit 10x worse and completely changed me as a person.
I became a high-functioning addict and a recluse
Roll on about a year to late 2018/early 2019. I was working full-time and selling weed on the side to fund my expensive Benzo addiction. Looking back, I was a high-functioning addict. But I’d turned into a recluse and stopped going out with my friends. I’d swapped partying for chilling on my own self-medicating with Benzos to ‘help’ me feel better. I only really saw people who bought weed from me. This period was very depressing and lonely. But if I was getting high, I did not care.
I became the wolf of Wall Street without the money
My true friends began to get worried about me and reached out to see if I was okay. Of course, I didn’t tell them about my Benzo addiction. But I didn’t want them to worry, so I started going out again. It didn’t take me long to realize that alcohol and Xanax made me feel invincible and seemed to make all the issues in my head disappear.
The only problem was that combination made me incredibly drowsy. So, I started taking Cocaine to bring me back up. I was living like the Wolf of Wall Street without the money or glamorous lifestyle. This turned me into a full-on TWAT. I was constantly making an idiot of myself. I got kicked out of anywhere I went. Getting into fights and putting my friends into situations where horrible things happened to them. I was a full-blown DOUCHE BAG. But I still used the excuse of getting bullied to carry on fucking up my life. And this would carry on until 2020’s Covid lockdown.
Covid lockdown only made my addictions worse
Roll on 2020, I was drinking and taking drugs daily. Popping enough Xanax to put a whole village to sleep for weeks. I’d also built up a crippling amount of debt through ticking things I could sell to get extra money. But through all of this, I was still working my day job and still slinging weed on the side. This started to change when I got furloughed from work as my Dad was high risk and I had to stop my day job. I was furloughed for about 4 months. While most people decided to work on their lives to improve themselves. I decided to use it as a 4-month long session. This only made my addictions worse and my mental state even worse than it was before. It put me in an even more vulnerable situation for what was to happen next…
A tragic accident with our dog put me on the path to Rock Bottom
During the 4 months I spent furloughed, we had a tragic accident with one of our dogs. My baby girl Quinny choked to death in front of us and there was nothing we could do to help her. This fucked me up in ways you couldn’t imagine and sent me into destruction mode. I fucking hated my life. I could not deal with reality. So, I did whatever I could to escape. Alcohol, cocaine, and Xanax became a part of my daily routine. But no one in my family knew how much of these things I was doing. I managed to hide my addictions well as I was ashamed of the life I was living.
As the Covid restrictions eased a bit I was allowed back to work around June 2020. It didn’t take long before I was calling in sick or just not showing up for work at all. I was struggling to get myself out of bed in the mornings. All I wanted to do was take enough Xanax to sleep off the day and come the night I would start drinking again. I hated my life and hated the reality I had created for myself.
By August 2020, I had run out of money. The debts had mounted up into payments I could not afford on top of the money I was spending on my addictions, and I knew something had to change. Something sparked inside me and for the first time ever, I wanted to change. I decided that after my birthday on August 27th, 2020, I was going to get sober. And I was going to do it by going cold turkey. Worst fucking mistake ever.
I hit Rock Bottom
About 2 days after I decided to go cold turkey, shit got bad. I stopped going to work altogether and got signed off by a doctor due to depression and anxiety. As I started withdrawing from Xanax I became an even bigger paranoid, anxious wreck. So rather than telling my parents about what was going on. I decided to hit my dad’s liquor cupboard to drink away my problems to help with the withdrawal symptoms. In the space of around 2 weeks, I consumed over 12L of 40% plus alcohol.
It didn’t take them long to realize all their booze had gone and that’s when they had a full-on intervention with me. I was too ashamed to tell them about the drugs. So, I just told them I had a problem with drinking and was using it to cope as I didn’t want to live my life anymore.
I started to reach out for help
The morning after that my parents got in touch with a mental health crisis team. My anxiety levels were so high that I couldn’t even talk on the phone. So, my parents did all the talking for me. I got some amazing support from my GP who told me I needed to take medication to help with the depression and anxiety. but I had to get sober before I could take them. So, they put us in touch with an amazing charity called Catch 22. Catch 22 is a charity that helps people under 25 who struggle with a wide range of issues in the UK.
I began counselling with Catch 22, but I still didn’t tell them the full extent of my addictions. I just said I was struggling with alcohol. They put me on a plan to help reduce my alcohol intake in a safe way. However, because I hadn’t been truthful the plan they put together for me didn’t work. I started to get intense withdrawals and started experiencing delirium tremens. What happened next was the event that sparked real change and I am forever grateful that my parents were there to pick up the pieces.
I had a tonic-clonic seizure
A few days into experiencing these intense withdrawals and DTs, I can remember speaking to my mum in her office. I then decided to go downstairs to speak to my dad. But as I was coming down the stairs, I realized couldn’t see out of one eye. The next thing I remember was being sat on the sofa with an ambulance on my driveway. I was screaming at my mum begging her to not let them take me away. I’d had a tonic-clonic seizure.
Eventually, I started to calm down and began speaking to the paramedics. I was sat with so much sweat dripping off me the paramedics thought I’d just got out of the shower, and I had a heart rate of around 160 bpm. They told me I had to go to the hospital and get checked out because of what had just happened.
I was kept in the hospital overnight
After talking to multiple doctors and explaining to them what had been going on. They wanted to keep me overnight to monitor my heart rate and make sure I didn’t have another seizure. I was hooked up to a cardiac monitor and multiple drips pumping me full of fluids.
The ward I was put on had another gentleman there. A lot older than me. He’d been an alcoholic for most of his life. He’d been brought in because of alcohol withdrawals. The conversations I heard him having, helped me realize that I did not want to live my life like that. As I was lying on the hospital bed, I realized I’d hit rock bottom and the only thing I could do was to get better, and now I finally wanted to do it for myself. It was like the universe had sent me a message while I was lying on the hospital bed.
Once you’ve hit Rock Bottom, the only way is up!
As I came out of the hospital, I continued getting support from my GP and Catch 22. They put a plan in place that allowed me to wean off alcohol in a much safer way. This allowed me to manage my withdrawals in a much safer way.
As I stopped being dependent on alcohol, I began taking Sertraline and Mirtazapine. Sertraline to help with depression and anxiety. Mirtazapine to help me sleep. My GP also arranged for me to have cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). It taught me a lot more about depression and anxiety. And it taught me lots of coping mechanisms and tools I could use to get better. Because I’d had a seizure, I had to forfeit my driving license, which meant I lost my job altogether. It was a long road to recovery, but I was determined to get there.
The road to recovery is difficult, but it is the best journey you will ever take!
Through my continued recovery journey, times did get tough. I suffered a few lapses, but nothing that would set me back massively. Each time I overcame a lapse, I grew and got stronger. It also reaffirmed to me that I did not want to live my life like that. With each day that passed, life got a little bit easier. I started to enjoy living again. I also vowed to myself that I would be myself and not let anyone change that, I started to become Sam Broughton.
Rather than getting hooked on drugs again, I got hooked on learning about mental health and self-development. Developing a healthy obsession with both of those topics. I began reading, taking online courses, and listening to podcasts to help me develop my knowledge and teach me new techniques to try. Life became something I loved again and realized I could use the shit that I’d put myself through to help other people.
Why I started Rock Bottom
I’m incredibly grateful for all the support I received from my GP, Catch 22, and I talk (CBT providers). I couldn’t be where I am today without the help, I got from them. But one thing I noticed through my recovery journey was that I didn’t receive help from anyone like me. A young male addict who struggles with mental health. And that’s why I started Rock Bottom. To help people like me take action to improve their mental health and live the life they’ve always wanted. Or reach out to get the help they need before they end up in the situation, I was in.
Conclusion
I would just like to say a massive thank you for reading my story about mental health and addiction! If you’re currently struggling with mental health and addiction. You’re not alone. Life will get better. If you’re ready to change, you can do it! You don’t have to be on this journey alone, everybody needs a helping hand from time to time. Please reach out to a local support team, a friend, or a family member and have a chat with them about what’s going on. It will be the first step on your road to recovery and it will make the steps after that a lot easier to take. If I can do it, you can too!