Intro
I think I’ve always had anxiety. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had thoughts and feelings of anxiety, but when I was younger the number of sports and activities I did managed to suppress those thoughts & feelings, or at least enabled me to manage them without really knowing what was going on. This all changed when I became a teenager. As I got more involved in drink & drugs, my anxiety went through the roof and it made day-to-day life extremely difficult. How did I cope with this? I decided to self-medicate by using drink & drugs in the hope those feelings would go away. How wrong was I! It only made my anxiety worse, and I became addicted to multiple substances. Then I had to deal with mental health issues & addiction, not a great combination…
While I can now look back and say that I was suffering from anxiety, at the time I had no idea what was going on! I had all these horrible thoughts rushing around my head and I thought I was the only person to feel that way. I was scared to speak to other people, as I feared they would think I was crazy, so I just bottled everything up. I let the situation get way worse before it could get better, and I don’t want anybody else to have to do that. I think I would have always experimented with drink & drugs as that’s the sort of person I was. However, I think if I’d understood that I was suffering from anxiety earlier, I would never have self-medicated in the hope that my problems would just go away.
And that’s why I’ve written this blog post, for those of you out there who are struggling with anxiety but don’t know it yet. The symptoms I’ve written about below are all things I’ve struggled with and I’m talking from my own personal experience. Looking back at my journey, these were the 3 main signs that I was struggling with anxiety. So if what I say is resonating with you on a deep level, you too may be suffering from anxiety.
Please have a read and if you think you’re struggling with anxiety, reach out to your doctor immediately! Don’t do what I did and try and fix your problems yourself.
Also, understand that from time to time we all get feelings of anxiety and worry, and that’s okay! Especially if you’re starting a new job or you’ve just moved to a new location. But when these thoughts persist for weeks on end and stop us from performing our day-to-day tasks – we need help!
1. Constant fear of being judged by others for my actions
I could have had the best day ever and received the best news possible, but my head would tell me differently. It didn’t matter what I did, I was constantly worried my actions were going to be judged negatively by those around me – my family & friends. I would get intense thoughts of fear that the people closest to me thought I was just one big joke, and they were only in my life to see how well I could fuck it up. It got to the point where all I wanted to do was escape reality (I did this by getting black-out drunk or popping so much Xanax I couldn’t remember shit), and this only made my situation worse. When I was coming down, all the thoughts and feelings came flooding back, with added shame & disappointment from the actions I took.
2. Started avoiding social situations you used to love
I’m a very social person and I LOVE spending time with my friends. We’d often just hang out, go to pubs, or find new spots to eat food. However, when my anxiety got worse, the situations that I loved being in, turned into overwhelming, daunting tasks that I started to avoid. Thoughts would rush around my head about how I would embarrass myself in front of my mates, or be judged for doing something silly, or for saying the wrong things. I started coming up with excuse after excuse to avoid these situations. One week I wouldn’t be well, then the next week a family emergency would have happened. And if my friends managed to talk me into coming out, I would get so drunk to ‘cope’ with my feelings, that I’d end up embarrassing myself anyway. How ironic is that?
3. Always expecting the worst to happen, even in a good situation
I’m a very confident person, who works hard and is good at dealing with people (mainly the customers I deal with daily). I’m very proud of my work, I always do it to the best of my ability and have received good feedback from customers, managers, and colleagues. But, when my anxiety was at its worst it didn’t matter if I’d done the best job in the world and had all the praise under the sun, my head would still find a way to think and expect the worst about a situation. I would think things like ‘why are they saying this to me’, ‘is it a trick’, or ‘are they just buttering me up to fire me’. It didn’t matter how much validation I had that a situation went well; my head would always fear the worst possible outcome. Then (like all humans do) I’d make mistakes and holy shit, it would feel like the world was about to end! As the thoughts and feelings were so intense, rather than meeting my mistakes head-on, I’d bury my head in the sand, and get wasted in the hope those thoughts and feelings would go away. They didn’t, I then had to deal with it with a horrible hangover.
Conclusion
As I mentioned in the intro, these are my main 3 signs struggling with anxiety and I’ve spoken about my personal experience with these 3 symptoms. I hope after reading this you’ve realised 2 things:
- If you’re struggling with anxiety, you’re not alone. You can get through this. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
- Self-medicating with drink & drugs is never the solution, it only makes it worse!
I also said, if you feel you’re struggling with anxiety, then reach out to your doctor. But I know better than most people that the initial step can be very scary and hard to take. If you’re feeling like that, then I’ve got two suggestions for you:
- Get out a notebook (or notes on your phone) and write down how you’re feeling. Don’t think, just write! Getting your thoughts out of your head is a great way to ease your anxiety and it can make it easier to take the next step.
- (UK only) Ring the Samaritans and tell them how you’re feeling. I’ve done this a few times and I can’t recommend it enough! It’s a confidential, free-to-call charity, and the amazing people on the end of the phone are there to listen to you. Their number is 116 123.
Remember: you’ve got this, and the only way is up!